Sometimes Nursing is Not An Effective Mode of Birth Control

better-wild-swan

July ’06 entry from the Marchive vault:

I am in my house for too long and get unmotivated.  I think of all the things I could do until I am exhausted.  Then I go find a cover of Mr. Bojangles by the Rat Pack.  Only then do I feel truly defeated.

Ross pointed out that my iTunes consist of either sad songs or songs by Mexicans.  Hopefully, with the above addition, the tide is turning.

Here are some things I should do:

1.  Task: Put things in their place – i.e., get that hammer off the window sill.
Why I can’t do it: What if I need to hammer something in my room?
Secret detail: The last time I tried to hammer something in my room, I knocked a rather large piece of plaster off.  I haven’t even told Ross yet.  I am planning on patching it at some point, but for now, I have put a picture up.  The hell of it is, we have alot of that velcro hanger stuff to put things up with.  So the hammer is truly gratuitous.  And yet . . .

I am a bad person who doesn't care about anything
I am a bad person who doesn't care about anything

2.  Task:  Read some materials relating to non-profit operations.
Why I can’t do it: I’m not being graded on it; thus, there is no opportunity to be better at understanding a topic than someone else in a classroom setting, which is my favorite thing in the whole world.
Secret detail: Classrooms are where you practice for real life, so if the only time you feel real is when you are practicing for real life, um, then . . .

mcguffey-reader

3.  Task: Call a bunch of fuckers.
Why I can’t do it: I don’t want to talk to them.
Secret detail: I hate talking on the phone because I feel like I am better at manipulating people in person.

Manipulation!
Manipulation!

4.  Task: Do some wo-manscaping.
Why I can’t do it:  No good reason, except that sometimes I get bored by it.
Secret detail: I don’t really have to because Ross doesn’t care.

Edward James Olmos cares about everything.
Edward James Olmos cares about everything.

5. Task: If I’m going to be lazy, I should at least be watching or reading something edifying.

Total Third Cousin Sauciness
Total Third Cousin Sauciness

Why I can’t do it: I know about all the problems and am depressed enough without dwelling on them.  And documentaries about hell problems and books about existential problems are all about dwelling and piercing.

Secret detail: I just finished an awesome romance novel called “Wild Swan,” and it was all about problems.  But the problems were really cool, like – what do you do when you are sent to live with your 3 degrees removed cousins in England and one of them falls totally in love with you and you are kind of in love with them but you are only fifteen so you don’t realize it and then you have to go home suddenly because your older sister Florence, who married the youngest son of the local earl, St. John Carrington, who got disinherited for it, so they’re totally impoverished, has twins and then dies in child birth, so you have to go home and take care of the twins, because your mom is a yatch, and St. John is away fighting in the Napoleonic War, but then he comes back except near death, so you and your healer grandmother (who is also the wife of a smuggler, plus your third degree cousins are all smugglers too) have to try to save him, but you have to amputate his arm,

"Let's go smuggle." "OK."
"Let's go smuggle." "OK."

and then you and his manservant and the twins’ wet nurse all have to do physical therapy on him, and then one day St. John rapes you and it sucks and you are impregnated, and then because he is a man of honor he wants to marry you, but the prob is that it is illegal for a man to marry his dead wife’s sister at that time, so you have to live in sin and everyone scorns you, AND you have to support the family because he is disabled, so you go around healing people even when you’re totally pregnant, and meanwhile St. John is trying to make a living gambling on horses with the nobility, but he doesn’t make that much, plus his fancy friends are always coming around and dissing you as a “light skirt,” and then his friend Sir Hugh, who is cool and also totally in love with you, makes an “offer” on you to St. John, even though you have the twins plus your baby that you are still nursing as a form of birth control, and it makes St. John realize that he loves you, which is good, except for a couple weeks ago your hot cousin Rane came back and asked you to marry him, not realizing that even though you are sixteen you have three kids and a disabled husband, but St. John was still sucking at this point and you’ve always loved Rane anyway, so you start doing it in the woods all the time and somehow your grandma knows, which is weird, and Rane teaches you how to have orgasms, which is great when he goes away and St. John is in love with you, because then you take that knowledge and use it to have orgasmy one-arm sex with St. John, but guess what! you’re preggo, and it ain’t St. John’s earlbaby, but you and Rane always looked like twins anyway, so people just think the baby looks like you, but you know the truth, and then you get preggo again and have a dangerous miscarriage and almost die and then your bio-daughter dies and then you go crazy and start saving money for America, because you and St. John can get married there and also pursue his dream of starting a legendary stable of racehorses, so eventually you get to go to America, Maryland specifically, with two brood mares, one that Sir Hugh gave you, and another that St. John won on a bet, and the money for America comes from your grandma selling the woods where you and Rane had sex, but it’s okay, and in America you start a very successful tavern, even though St. John thinks it’s declasse, and then who do you run into but Rane and also this American that you and Rane saved in your smuggling days from certain death by hiding him in a cave, and they help you get established, and Rane still loves you and his shipping line is doing well but he is married to a madwoman, and then you have another kid, and then you have a miscarriage from working too hard, and St. John starts breeding and acquiring horses a lot, so you get a farm and leave the wetnurse and manservant to run the tavern, which is fine because they are in love, and then your horses start to rule more and more, especially with the help of the runaway slave you are harboring, and also the sharecroppers on your estate have stunted sons (because of poor nutrition because they are Cockneys) and they are so stunted that they make awesome jockeys, and so your biz is going great but then one day St. John gets a hell horse to ride, and you tell him not to, but he does, and the horse throws him and tramps all over his back, paralyzing him, so you shoot the horse in the head, and then you try to nurse St. John but he is way too disabled, and finally he dies, and awesome-cat-slavethen you have to run everything all by yourself, which is hard, but you finally start fucking Rane again, which is cool, except for his crazy wife figures it out and then kills herself, so he doesn’t want to go near you, and meanwhile the runaway slave’s evil owner comes by and the slave kills him and so you have to cover up the death, plus you just had a near fatal accident?

Individual Voluntary Arrangements can be very helpful but they’re not free. You’ll pay your costs to an insolvency practitioner, typically up to around £5,000.

????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????!

Leave a Reply