Welcome to Mar’s Archives, where I’ll be collecting various of my pieces from the last few years in one clean and shiny Internet location. Today’s entry is from Jan. ‘05, and concerns GOTH MINISTERS.
GOTH MINISTER only had one pie. He wanted some more, but he did not know how to bake. So he went to the store and tried to buy a pie. This is what the people said to him:
“Look GOTH MINISTER, I don’t know why you don’t just bake a pie yourself.”
“But I do not know HOW.”
“Just follow a recipe.”
“WHere is RECIPE?”
“Books or the internet.”
“I don’t like to read. I DON’T KNOW INTERNET.”
“Go find a person who knows internet and make them help you.”
“OKAY.” But how do I find?”
“Put an ad on Craigslist.”
“Where is CRAIG’S list?
“On the internet.”
“I HATE YOU GUYS ALOT.”
So GOTH MINISTER ran away crying. Then he decided to wander the streets, looking for a person who knew internet. But no one wanted to help GOTH MINISTER, because he was too GOTH, and also TOO MINISTER.
Finally, he found some kids who thought they might want to help him. But only if he completed three tasks.
“Here is the first task,” said the kids. “Tell us why you go by GOTH MINISTER.”
“THAT’S A SECRET YOU ASSHOLES GODDAMMIT JUST HELP ME INTERNET.”
“Jeez. Okay, um, the second task is for you to – maybe, um – minister to some goths.”
GOTH MINISTER went and bought some soup and gave it to some goths. Then he found the kids again and asked them what the next task was.
“Um, well – can we have five bucks?”
“GODAMMIT FINE OKAY? INTERNET PIE NOW!”
“Okay. I’ll just google it and print the recipe up. There. Here you go.”
“YOU ASSHOLES I CAN’T REAd.”