Top Ten Actually Sexy Halloween Costumes
Every Halloween, millions of men and women* across America try to figure out how to sex up seemingly innocuous costume ideas–”I’ll be a pumpkin, but like . . . a sexy pumpkin” or “I’ll be a surveyor–a sultry surveyor!” This year, instead of sexing up a normal costume, why not go as somebody or something that is already hot stuff? Below follow our top ten ideas for sexy costumes that are not totally stupid and desperate. This year, you’ll be Gorean no more!
Also, ladies, here’s a tip–you must choose between boobs or legs. Both is too much. If you wear a short skirt, you can’t have cleavage, and vice versa. Also, looking cold and miserable and uncomfortable is never attractive–it just signals that you value attention above personal comfort, which is a BAD IDEA. As for brosephs, my only advice is this: you can drag it up if you want, but bear this in mind: you are telling me (and everybody else you encounter) that you apparently think that “women” are as scary and hilarious as ghosts and vampires. You are also revealing your DEEP CURIOSITY about what it is like to be one of these “women” you have heard so much about. In other words, you better carry a handbag and a heater tonight, or else you will have nowhere to put your wallet and also you will be putting your friends at risk for pneumonia because you will be giving them so many DOUCHE CHILLS.
OK, onto my sweet ideas!
1. Cowgirl:
Slightly cliched but cute as heck! And also dangerous!
2. Natty Gann:
- There are two kinds of people in this world–those who understand that Natty Gann is the best and also totally sexy and also good at nabbing hunks, and those who are dressing up as “women” for Halloween.
3. Sexy European Lady From the ’70s Who Lives to Drive Her Hatchback Around in the Woods:
Really, I think the title of this costume says it all.
4. A Cool Mannequin Who is Also a Robot and Whose Face is Flaking Off to Reveal Its True Robot Nature:
So . . . Bladerunner Replicant, basically, except that you can have more wardrobe choices
5. Wino Mermaid:
This picture is of those wino mermaids from “O Brother Where Art Thou.” They were pretty cool, right?
6. Jude Law in “The Talented Mr. Ripley”:
Most dudes will not be able to pull this off. I think I just want Jude Law to get off his butt and try to pull it off, since he was never hotter and I don’t know why he doesn’t act like this all the time instead of not being sexy in order to punish us.
7. Any of the characters from “The Room.” If you don’t know about “The Room,” I suggest you change that immediately:
O O HAI MARK
8. Oedipal Stewardess:
Stewardesses are hot. Moms are hot. MILFs are a meme. Cougars are a meme. Combine all these things and you become . . . incredibly sexy yet creepy!
9. I was going to say “Amelia Earhart, ” but since Hilary Swank RUINED Amelia Earhart, how’s about a WAC?
Yeah, repair that radio!
10. Tilda Swinton. This costume is unisex, because she is hot like a lady and also hot like a dude. Watch “Orlando” for sweet ideas:
David Bowie Anjelica Huston Johnny Depp Jamie Lee Curtis
Whatever you do, remember what Quentin Crisp said: “Fashion is what you adopt when you don’t know who you are.” Happy Pagan Death of Fall Day!
*Mostly women.
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