Lies

Things of Beauty, Things of Shame

The little stone house had chinks stuffed with ivy, which Susan kept trimmed, like pubes.  The cat liked to rub against these trim thickets, especially with his butt, which had itchy glands.  It was a hell of a life, for sure.

Cleopatra, Georgia

When the reporter arrived, I was in the middle of breaking up with my wife, and didn’t have much time for questions.  He was interested in our town because of all the murders, but as none of them were solved, there wasn’t a lot to report on. “How come you haven’t solved any murders, Sheriff?” …

Horses Can’t Come, But Sharks Can Come

Horses can’t come, but sharks can come.  They come in the water and laugh and laugh because of the cum bubbles it generates and how the little seahorses dance in between the bubbles, singing a little song of being a horse of the sea, a horse that can never, ever ride in the Kentucky Derby …

The Passion of Planks

I kind of find planks romantic, in that I don’t really understand where they come from, and this lends them an air of mystery.  Whenever I see one, I try to smell it, because I am hoping that it smells of fresh cut pine and mountainous regions.  I picture rough-hewn brawny men getting up super …

A Fool of God

Once upon a time, there was a little boy who liked to cook.  The other children at school liked to eat: crumbled raw Top Ramen, Lunchables, candy, and Capri Suns.  But this little boy, whose name was Bobby, would spend hours pounding galangal and ginger in his mortar and pestle in order to create the …