There are 5 Things
1. The music is cold, the burn victim said. “That’s because you’re not sweating to the oldies!” Tweet
Read MoreCategory: Lies
Things of Beauty, Things of Shame
The little stone house had chinks stuffed with ivy, which Susan kept trimmed, like pubes. The cat liked to rub against these trim…
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A List of Things I Learned on My Trip to Olympia
1. “My girlfriend can’t believe that I’m still on the bus. I mean, she thinks I’m lying about the bus.” 2. “Christopher Walken,…
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Cleopatra, Georgia
When the reporter arrived, I was in the middle of breaking up with my wife, and didn’t have much time for questions. He…
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Horses Can’t Come, But Sharks Can Come
Horses can’t come, but sharks can come. They come in the water and laugh and laugh because of the cum bubbles it generates…
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Feeling Himself Suddenly Less, He Eats
He eats to become more. He eats the heads of those he admires; he eats the heads of the state whom he feels…
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The Passion of Planks
I kind of find planks romantic, in that I don’t really understand where they come from, and this lends them an air of…
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Almost Verbatim Transcript of Conversation I Heard on Bus Today (Names Changed)
Mable: The thing is, you know, he was a total dawg, throwing chicks over and shit constantly. Jeff: Yeah. And then he met…
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A Fool of God
Once upon a time, there was a little boy who liked to cook. The other children at school liked to eat: crumbled raw…
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Dialogues with Celebs
1. Wallace Shawn Me: I don’t believe in your continuum. WS: I’m going to beat the shit out of you. Tweet
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