Essays

How to Make Savory Oatmeal

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Near dinnertime, notice you are breaking out a bit on the chin area. Rapidly decide that this is due to consuming excess tabouli, i.e., wheat, rather than ascribing it to the imminence of your period. Get really hungry but FIRMLY ESCHEW the golden bag of rotini, nut-rich loaf of bread, box of tiny “everything” crackers, …

As Lummi Nation Fights to Save Their Way of Life, Liberal Town Bands Together to Save Old Broken Building

NBC News reported on it. So did PBS Newshour, the Boston Herald, the Seattle Times and a host of other national and regional news outlets. Yet for some reason, this national news story has failed to make a splash in Bellingham, despite the fact that it’s unfolding right in our backyards. I’m talking, of course, about the fight for their treaty rights that the Lummi, (along with 19 …

Boom Boom Pow: A Meditation

Lately, I’ve been pausing in porticos, haunted by a particular line from a particular song. The ditty in question, “Boom Boom Pow,” was released by the redoubtable Black Eyed Peas more than a year ago, yet certain peculiarities of its lyrical cadences still manage to wash up upon the shores of my mind, as clear and startlingly whole as twisted lengths of beach glass.

Stop Reading “Go Fug Yourself”

“Go Fug Yourself” recently named Amber Rose, a model best known for being Kanye West’s paramour, the winner of their annual “Fug Madness” contest, which uses reader voting to name this year’s “fugliest” celebrity.  This development reveals exactly how pernicious this silly little celebrity gossip website really is. If you are not personally familiar with …

Sri Craven Bla lectures at the Second Annual Winter Commission

For this Second Annual Winter Commission, we were fortunate to receive two performances from a noted yogi from Yelm, WA, Sri Craven Bla. His first presentation, The Hoffbrenner Principle: Why Time was Wrong, Again was an introspective look into the life and legacy of noted figure Czeslaw Hoffbrenner, the pioneer in metaphysical branding:

How to Hack Thanksgiving

First of all, quit trying to hack things, weirdo.  You can’t hack a holiday or a life or your mom or nothing, I don’t care what Slate told you.  But I do have some Thanksgiving tips! Thanksgiving is not that hard of a holiday.  All it is about is eating food and watching football.  There …

The Top Ten Reactionary LOLCats You Meet In Heaven

1.  Cats who refuse to believe that they originated in Egypt.  Instead they like to think that they came from AMERICA, like Mormons with Jesus: 2.  Sad cats who resist their essential Enneagram nature: 3.  Cats who think that paying taxes is bad, even though they are poor, because they are animals with no viable …