Sometimes Nursing is Not An Effective Mode of Birth Control

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. . . and then his friend Sir Hugh, who is cool and also totally in love with you, makes an “offer” on you to St. John, even though you have the twins plus your baby that you are still nursing as a form of birth control, and it makes St. John realize that he loves you, which is good, except for a couple weeks ago your hot cousin Rane came back and asked you to marry him, not realizing that even though you are sixteen you have three kids and a disabled husband, but St. John was still sucking at this point and you’ve always loved Rane anyway, so you start doing it in the woods all the time and somehow your grandma knows, which is weird, and Rane teaches you how to have orgasms, which is great when he goes away and St. John is in love with you, because then you take that knowledge and use it to have orgasmy one-arm sex with St. John, but guess what! you’re preggo . . .

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Fun Kid

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Sure, there were fucking jicamas, but it was a textural thing . . .

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My Special Date with Dick Cheney

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I wheel the bike up to his undisclosed location, and, spying me from the window, he springs out the front door and jogs up to meet me. Laughing, he picks me up and twirls me around, as robins twitter and the sky glows cobalt blue.

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THE TRUTH ABOUT GOTH MINISTER

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So GOTH MINISTER ran away crying. Then he decided to wander the streets, looking for a person who knew internet. But no one wanted to help GOTH MINISTER, because he was too GOTH, and also TOO MINISTER.

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The Animals!

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Dave spins in comic about face, starts running away. Susan easily overtakes him, sits on chest, pins arms, and begins administering “Indian rope burns.” She stops abruptly to point out that the frog is unafraid of her, and actually loitering curiously, in a sexy disinterested way.

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